OK, I know if you're not bothered about cricket this won't interest you in the slightest and in which case I apologise.
But it is our country against Howling Bells' country, so I'm going for it anyway.
Day One - Pretty even but maybe England slightly on top. Day Two - Hundreds for Katich and Ponting. The Aussies' day no doubt. Day Three - Aussies still on top. England might need the help of rain to avoid defeat. Day Four - Oh dear. Without rain England are done for. Hate to say this, but Australia look too good for us. Day Five - Against all odds, England hold out for a draw, without the help of rain, thanks to determined play from Collingwood, Swann, Anderson and Panesar. But it's nothing to get excited about, as the Aussies outplayed us without question.
3rd Test: Day One: Ruined by rain. Only two hours' play possible, but the Aussies have the upper hand. Day Two: With Anderson swinging the ball like a boomerang, England polish off Australia quick style and respond in solid fashion. England's day. Day Three: No play. Rain, rain, rain. Day Four: England have fun in the afternoon and build up a substantial lead, then nip out two Aussies before the deficit is overcome. England can't lose from here (surely?) but is there enough time to force a win? Day Five: Australia see out the day in comfort. Draw.
4th Test: Day One: England collapse. Australia way ahead already. Day Two: Australia build substantial lead. England collapse again. It'll be all over tomorrow, Aussies to level 1-1 with one to play. Day Three: England go down fighting, but go down still the same.
1-1 with one to play. Australia hold the Ashes, therefore need a win or draw to retain them. England must win to regain the Ashes.
England win! England win! England win! England win The Ashes!
Kylie Minogue, Ned Kelly, Russell Crowe, Ian Thorpe, Shane Warne, Don Bradman, Hugh Jackman, Skippy, Juanita Stein, Rolf Harris, Benny the Boomerang, Danni Minogue, Dennis Lillee, Shane Gould, Heath Ledger, Margaret Court, Evonne Goolagong, Dawn Fraser, Dame Edna, Herb Elliott, Paul Hogan, Robert Hawke, Germaine Greer, Michael Hutchence, Delta Goodrem, Lleyton Hewitt, Rod Laver, Greg Norman, Elle McPherson, Ian Baker-Finch, Nellie Melba, your boys took one hell of a beating!!
If you don't know about cricket you'll have no idea how special this is. It's such a big deal that it was the lead story on the BBC's main news and the Queen sent a message of congratulation to the team!
England v Australia at cricket is the second-oldest international sporting rivalry in the world, after England v Scotland at football (soccer). It dates back to 1882 when England, odds on to win at The Oval in London, were shockingly beaten by the unfancied Aussies. A mock obituary in the Sporting Times said that English cricket had died and "the body will be cremated and the ashes taken to Australia". After this, the ashes became The Ashes, a symbolic trophy for which England and Australia have fought every two years since. There is a real trophy, which never actually leaves the museum at Lord's, the home of cricket. It's a ceramic urn, about three inches high, supposedly containing The Ashes. The winning captain holds up a replica. It's the tiniest trophy in all of sport!
After 18 years in Australian hands, England memorably regained The Ashes in 2005, only to be stuffed 5-0 in Australia in 2006/07. Now we have won again.
Next time you (English people) go into a Walkabout, don't forget to remind the bar staff of this fact. You can also tell them:
"We are English. We brew beer. You are Australian. You serve it."
"We are English. We have history. You are Australian. You have previous."
Marvellous! We have eighteen months of colonial supremacy, until we go downunder to compete for The Ashes again in 2010/2011.